Tag Archives: change

31 Days to a Better Marriage – He’s not the person I married!

31 days to a better marriage

Isn’t it interesting how the man you are married to seems like a different man than the one you dated?! Maybe it’s just me. In fact, I haven’t heard any of my friends mention this odd phenomenon, so it probably IS just me. But just in case you have felt this too – I am going to include this, anyways! :)

There was a point several years into our marriage when I just stopped and was like: “this guy is so different than the guy I dated!”


I puzzled over it a while till I came to this conclusion:

He was the same man, but his personality didn’t lead him to the same result or action which I thought it would.

I don’t think most men are trying to deceive their wife-to-be. They genuinely think the girlfriend has a fabulous idea, and they agree that yes, going to India with a mission would be interesting and worthwhile. Maybe they even give it some serious thought.

But just because he agrees that it is a wonderful idea, doesn’t mean he is going to drop everything and rush over there with his young wife! (yes, I am using a personal experience here!) See, I though that when he agreed about stuff being cool, he was essentially agreeing that he also wanted to do it, buy it, or be that way.

Not necessarily.

Now, some of your couple-dynamics may be the opposite of this. I know wives who are more cautious and it is the husband who leaps into things feet-first! Maybe the wife is like: “Wait, you really intended to DO that? I thought we were just talking about how cool it was, not about actually doing it!” 😀

Either way, we can easily get stuck in the trap of being dissapointed because he doesn’t seem to be the same person that we married.

Two problems

Two problems that often come up; either we try to change him, or we get bitter.

Neither option is Christlike or healthy. There are so many jokes about trying to change your man, but I am thankful that many men do not change that easily! We need men who have a backbone and stand for what they believe.

And becoming bitter is just ugly. I know your husband may not ‘turn out’ quite as you’d hoped. Maybe he is ‘way off track on how you had agreed to live life. But bitterness is so ugly and unChristlike!

What to do.

Pray. Pray for God’s will to be done. Pray for wisdom and grace. Pray for your hearts to be knit together in God’s perfect calling for you. You don’t believe prayer works because you don’t believe God. Prayer does work!

Change. Not a popular idea, in this day of independant thought and women’s rights. We will fight to the last breath to do what we want, never bowing our head to someone else – especially, it seems, not to our husband. But when we decide to lay aside our ideas and be willing to support our husband, it is amazing how God can change your desires!

Remember the foundation we laid in Day 1? We need to become one, (Genesis 2:24) submit to our husband, (Ephesians 5:22-24) and respect our husband (Ephesians 5:33).

Respect Him. I think we find it hard to respect our man because he is different than us. He doesn’t do things the way I think a husband should, or the way I think a Christian should, or the way I thought HE would, before we married. So I whine and complain and nag. Nagging is not respectful. Will you start taking Scripture seriously and stop nagging your husband? Also; manipulating is not Scriptural, either.

Understand that you have changed, too. I bet you have changed as much, maybe more, than he has! Are you the happy, smiling girl he dated? Do you flirt with him still? Do you hang on his every word? Maybe he thought you adored him, and now wonders why you even married him?! Hmm?

My husband and I haven’t always been on the same page. The India-mission thing was short-lived, but there have been other ideas and plans that we had to deal with. In the end, though, we always want
1. a good relationship with each other,
2. to honor God with our marriage,
3. to have fun and never live bitter.

So we work it out. But I can honestly say that most of the time, if my man thinks it is a bad idea – it usually is. I trust him and his wisdom.

And I remind myself that maybe it isn’t him who changed – maybe I just didn’t know him as well as I thought I did!

Today’s Challenge: Take a minute to think about ways YOU may have changed. Think about how it may have affected him. Pray over your marriage.

Day 1: The Foundation
Day 2: Committed
Day 3: What is love?

Change – how to start the process.

Change - how to start the process. photo: a path in the woodsDo you ever feel like you can’t change? You have tried so often and still go nowhere? Do you ever wish for a magic button to push that would make you more organized, self-disciplined, or just plain motivated?  I know I have. I recently learned a scientific boost for those of us trying to make a change in our habits.

Here’s the secret: You have to make a long-term commitment. Studies prove that those who make a long-term commitment to a goal or project, are more likely to follow through.

“An Australian music psychologist called Gary McPherson arranged to speak to children who were about to have their first music lesson, and he asked them, “How long do you think you will play your new instrument?
“McPherson categorized the children’s answers as indicating either short-term, medium-term or long-term commitment. Then he checked and recorded how long each child spent practicing each week, and also categorized them as low, medium or high practice.
“Finally, each child took a standardized performance test using the instrument they’d been learning. When McPherson charted his two categories against the performance test results, he was amazed at the clear pattern that emerged…
“…the students who made a long-term commitment right from the start performed better, even if they practiced less! Meanwhile, those who only envisioned a short commitment to their instrument performed less well, even if they practiced plenty.
“So if you’re looking for the secret to success, it isn’t 10,000 hours of practice – it’s one long-term commitment.
“And you can make a long-term commitment to yourself *today* to realise your dreams and ambitions. :-)
“Just imagine the future results that will start to come from make that small decision right now…”    – Danny Iny, Mirasee.com 


I think of New Year’s resolutions — so many fall by the wayside in a matter of days or weeks. So obviously the goals have to be realistic. My personal method is to start with ONE thing. Right now my one thing is to get in the habit of working out. I like how I feel when I workout, and I am pretty sure I will like the results after several months. So I am sticking to that one thing.

Next, I want to set some realistic but long-term goals with my writing business. Then I will move on to organizing/housekeeping. I have many areas in my life that need improvement, but I am focusing on one at a time. All my life so far, has been random big resolutions that fell flat in a few days. This time I am being realistic with my schedule and my time and my weaknesses.

How to get to that place where you are so ready to change that you actually do the work? I can’t do that for you. No one can. But I can tell you something — if you start forcing yourself to be disciplined in one area,  I can assure you that you will start being disciplined in other areas. It just works that way!

I declare – this is about as weird a post as I have ever written! I mean, I am not very disciplined!! Just ask my husband. 😀 But the fact is, I recently started changing. One thing at a time. One baby step towards the things I want.

I hope you can be encouraged to realistically consider what you are wanting to accomplish, and see what steps you can take to get there. Pray. Ask your wise friends. Then make a commitment.

What are you committing to, today?